There are some questions it is unfair to ask other people. In any social situation, or indeed when any two people are in eachothers presence, I feel there is a great degree of control which each person has over the other. Simply by careful choice of words and intent, we can emotionally cripple those we are in the company of. I am somewhat fasinated by the authority we hold over one another; relationships between people are in some forms brittle yet unbreakable. If there is an individual at school who I dislike and dislikes me, we would both obviously wish not to be in the others company. There is a want for a lack of interaction, of existence. However, we both go to the same school as part of preset conditions that govern our lifes; we have no choice but to in some slight way co-exist. Even in the company of friends there is a power with which we can subgate others. We have a power over others that cannot help exist. By knowing about a person, we know their weaknesses. The more we know them, the more we know what would hurt them, what would cause them to feel emotions. Of course, these people being friends means we wouldn't use that knowledge against them, ever. Even with people we dislike, a certain level of civility is displayed, as part of the code of conduct we all follow without truly acknowledging as present.

There has been no event that triggered these thought in my mind. Nothing that caused me to wonder at my weakness at the hands of others, and my capabilities of hurting them. I wish that I didn't think it, in truth. It is a disturbing idea, to be with friends and to know what sentence would hurt them most. But I cannot help but think this. I know it is not because I wish to hurt others; my eccentricity does not mean I am sadistic, or cruel. Perhaps the reason I wonder on these points is that I am stuck on the idea that there are ways for the most innocent jokes, the most positive intentions to cause the same level of confusion in people. The best of intentions can have the worst of results.

I suppose there were events to cause this, in all honesty. I may not follow conventional trains of thought, yet it is still my own mind that takes them. I was rejected by nine different girls to accompany me as friends to what should be an enjoyable and fun night. Each of them had their own reason for rejecting me, sure. Each is a friend, yea. Yet nine different people all elected not to spent time with me outside of the normal parameters we meet in for reasons I don't know. It's depressing. And the situation has simply become confusion compounded by confusion by things that were essentially outside of my control as a person.

*sigh* Interacting with other people is difficult. Forming bonds with them is harder. And continously, repeatedly and happily exposing yourself to danger by opening yourself up to them is seemingly impossible. I may not be an emo, nor will I ever be one. But sometimes, just occassionally, I can empathize.